[Question:]{.underline} Should I refuse to speak to my daughter, who is living in sin with her boyfriend?
[Answer:]{.underline} Certainly it is your duty to avoid anything that would give the impression of supporting or helping her to commit this sin, whether you do it materially or emotionally, directly or indirectly. Any such encouragement is certainly matter for confession. It is furthermore your grave duty to inform her that she knows that you abhor such behavior, so offensive to God and scandalous to other souls, including siblings. You cannot allow the two of them to come to family gatherings, as if they were married. This would be to approve the scandalous situation. Alas, this is frequently not enough to force them to separate.
However, I am concerned that the approach of cutting off all conversation and contact until she ceases living in sin is not psychological and will not be the right approach to touch her soul. The best that could come from it would be that it would force her to get married. The worst is that it could turn her away from our holy religion. However, neither of these is what you desire. I have seen many situations like this. The young people involved are always blinded by passion and short sighted. They ought not to be forced or coerced into marriage. It does not work to approach the matter head-on and in a frontal manner. Such an approach is often counter-productive. It makes the sinner feel personally attacked and threatened.
My approach to this situation would be quite different. Firstly, I believe that it is very important that you maintain contact, and that you speak frequently to your daughter, and express your concern and affection for her. Secondly, there is no point belaboring the point of her sin, and pushing her further into her obstinacy, or of getting married without due preparation. Thirdly, you must take a positive tack. Speak about your own spiritual life, the graces that you receive and how God has taught you to carry your cross.
Speak about love, and how the roses and thorns are inseparable in your own marriage. Encourage her positively in the practice of virtue. Remember that all virtues are connected together, and by encouraging her to practice charity, meekness, humility, thoughtfulness etc., you are effectively encouraging her to practice chastity without saying so. Encourage her especially in her daily prayers. Talk about spiritual reading, and give her the very correct impression that she also can pray, even though she is not in the state of grace. Encourage her to recite her Rosary every day, or the Litany of the Blessed Virgin Mary to know the will of God (but be very careful not to tell her what the will of God is, she has to figure this out for herself). Speak to her about Mass, and the spiritual high points in the year, and you can expect that when she starts reciting her Rosary every day, she will go to Mass.
All of these things will have a much more profound effect upon her soul than any reproach or harsh words. If you can get her to pray, you will not have to say anything about the horror and scandal of living in sin. She will see it for herself. This must be your goal. I have often given instructions to a couple living in sin (e.g. one would like to convert). I do not wait until they separate to start the classes. I simply teach them the catechism. If they follow through with their prayers, it does not take more than three months for them to ask what they need to do about their living situation.
Answered by Father Peter Scott, SSPX.